Sunday, February 22, 2009

Keeping track

I keep track of all sorts of things. I love to make lists; I love schedules and routines. I think that it is a good thing.

Except in one way.

I keep track of stuff in my marriage. Like when I am working and he's watching TV. After a lot of resentment and acting like a bear, we actually communicated. I didn't want to hear it, but I got schooled where "tracking" is concerned. He's right. It is like forgiveness--the only one hurt is the one harboring the ill feelings. I want my husband to be able to read my mind (or at least hear the "red alert" alarm that goes off when I need his help but am too overwhelmed to ask for it), but that is NEVER going to happen. So if I am stewing while he is oblivious, who is hurting? Duh. That is not to say that I am suddenly going to assume the "rug" position. It is just a matter of the mind. I don't need to keep track. Jesus doesn't keep track (thank goodness!). He just keeps giving and is hopeful that we will receive it with joy and bless others.

If any of you have any great ideas of conquering tracking, let me know. I really need all the help I can get.

But lest you should think I am bagging on myself, I'm not. I am patting myself on the back that I see my weakness and now am empowered to deal with it and change. Cool!

P.S. again: I am still working on the pics. Any ideas about how to make that part easier too?


Tera said...

I'm with you on the list making, good and bad. I have been known to say to my husband . . . "I do everything. I never get any help". Which he quickly lists his own list of ways he helps. Then I have to apologize because even though it may not be as much as I want him to do, he does do a lot and it does lighten my load. Whenever I feel like doing this again, I have to list all of the things he did that day to help. It puts things into perspective for me. Honey-do lists don't really help in my house because then it's a list that never gets done, but a constant reminder of how he can't follow through with anything. Am I his secretary? And even asking JP to do things doesn't work so well because he gets sidetracked and then I still have to remember to ask him again, and again . . .and again! Let me know when you figure out what works!

Tara Brooks said...

I have a tough time with this one. I have to conciously list the many things that Charlie does do, so that I can remember them when I am fuming that he isn't helping.
Another hard one for me, is asking when I need help. When I am fuming that he isn't helping, I stop, breath, and say, "Can you please help me? I can't do this alone." That is the hardest part. But just saying what you need, when you need it, will help immensely.
Remember, men don't always intentionally ignore you, they just don't realize that they should be paying attention. A lot of the time, they just need us to speak up and ask for what we need.

cjaster said...

The guilt is mine. Though, lately it hasn't been nagging so much. Usually those moments are when I'm moody anyway & the little things start adding up. I noticed after a couple months of paying attention that it was always the same little things coming back to fuel the fire. Mike & I have been working on communicating better & the things that have seemed important we have talked about & the others I realize were just stacking on the important things because I was mad. Am I making any sense. Basically, be true to yourself & make time to talk about the things bothering you before the pile is ready to explode. Checking in each night before bed works good for us. You are normal as ever! Have a good day.

TM CLAN said...

I remember when we used to have our talks during our "visiting teaching" play dates. I was your teacher, but you taught me so much more about myself.

We seemed to have similar characteristics, and so when I read this I laughed out loud. Not because I thought it was funny, but because I just love you and totally relate with you.

Just LAST NIGHT, Tom was reminding me that he felt under the microscope with me like I was keeping track of how many meetings he has missed at church. LOL

In all honesty, and psychologically speaking, my feelings on 'tracking' all have to do with how I regard myself. And most of the time, I don't ask for help because subconsciously I feel like I don't deserve it.

On this subconscious level, I continue to create situations where I am overwhelmed and think I have to do it all myself, when I know a better way. A way that works.

When I make a conscious effort to love myself enough to ask for assistance before I become overwhelmed, I honor both Tom and myself. I hold him in a space of accountability for our family, and I hold myself in a space of acceptance.

Just to be clear, it isn't about being selfish. It's always good for me to focus on the positive things that Tom does for me. But this I know for sure; if I love myself enough, I won't have to keep track.

You are important. You deserve assistance. You are loved! Especially by me.