I was so excited about having made my choice. I couldn't wait to share my experience with my sweetheart.
Unfortunately, he was having his doubts now. After having been such a constant strength to me during my struggles, he was having a few struggles of his own. Did he want to be saddled with such a crazy wife? I'd be taking a long hard look at that too, if I were him!
The months of March through July were filled with more ups and downs. I was sure, then I doubted. I was strong, then I let my fears creep up on me again. I wish I could report that I was steadfast and immovable, but I was full of failings.
In July my roommate and I decided to travel to San Diego to a mission reunion to welcome home from Spain our beloved Pte. Tenney. We carpooled with a couple of elders we knew in Spain. One of them was an elder that had really impressed me. Of course he was younger than I was, but I looked on this trip as an opportunity to forever put him out of my mind or pursue something more. Don't get me wrong--I wasn't two-timing. I was just exploring other options while not completely sure what was going on with Mr. TD&H.
Within the first couple of hours I realized what a mistake I had made. No doubt, he was a wonderful and faithful missionary, but my appreciation could forever end there. He had a good voice, an outgoing personality, and was a nice person. But NOT what I was looking for. Just another reminder that I already knew who I was looking for. (And where he lived. And what he looked like.)
The reunion was amazing. I basked in the spiritual glow of my mission president and his wife. She gathered myself and a few other sisters in a study of Proverbs 31. Enlightening, to say the least! She strengthened me in my resolve to marry my wonderful, faithful man. He led all of us missionaries in a study of a chapter in Alma. I can't remember now which chapter, but I remember the point he made that really resonated with me. He spoke about when we know something through the spirit that we are sinning by not acting in faith. Whew! Was that a bullseye or what? I needed to repent, that is for sure. I left the reunion re-energized and refocused on moving forward with faith.
I got home on a Sunday afternoon. I called Mr. TD&H right away. I was SO excited to convince him that we were indeed going to get married. He answered and we chatted for a few minutes. As I was thinking about how to tell him about my amazing weekend, he related to me the trials of his weekend. He had been feeling so down and confused. He told me that he had decided that perhaps we needed to start seeing other people. I was floored, devastated, heartbroken. I was so shocked that I didn't tell him a single thing about my weekend. I didn't know what to do. I just prayed that everything would turn out okay.
The next day while I was at work, I got a phone call. He wanted to go out that night. So much for seeing other people. We went to the movies, to see a movie called Contact. While we were waiting for the movie to start, we saw and talked to a friend of Mr. TD&H. He had just gotten married. He talked about what a blessing it (marriage) was. He spoke of learning how to show love in the way the other person can understand and receive it. We were touched.
I hesitate even telling the next part because it is so cheesy, but I'll forge ahead. As we watched Contact, the movie's message came through--you CAN know something that you can't prove to others. You CAN have a conviction that something is right. I knew that was true. I had lived it. I was living it. I knew that I would be blessed if I married him. I couldn't prove it--I had to have faith.