Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A dream as something to learn?

This is going to be a little on the personal side (but since I am kind of an open book, that shouldn't surprise anyone).

At 4 am I was awakened by the anxiety I felt in my dream. I've had this particular dream before, but this time I was so alarmed by its reality that when I awoke, I had to ask Larry for reassurance that it wasn't true.

"Larry, am I getting married to someone else?"

"What?" (remember, it is 4 am)

"Do I need to marry someone else?"

"No, honey, everything is okay."

I felt like weeping from relief. I don't think i can adequately express my turmoil. I do remember that, in my dream, I had cried for several hours because of my predicament.

As you can probably construe, my dream consisted of me making the decision to marry someone else while still married to my sweetheart. There were several things that I didn't like about the situation (completely apart from the marriage thing):

* why was everyone, including my husband, supporting me in this idiotic decision?

* why was I doing it? what was I thinking? why did I feel I needed to go through with it if it was causing me such pain?

* was i trying to "steady the ark" by confronting the loss of my husband? was i taking all of the burden into my own hands in advance?

* where is my faith? don't I know that if something were to happen to my husband, the Lord will see me through?

* why am I trapped in my own decisions? am I not able to change course mid-stream?

In my dream, I felt like I had no choices. But I know that isn't true. However, I sometimes limit my own choices and opportunities by what I think is possible. The overwhelming feeling I had was, I MUST TRUST IN THE LORD--HE WILL TAKE GOOD CARE OF ME!

When I awoke, I wanted to record not the unpleasant circumstances of my dream, but what I felt I was learning. Do those things have application in what is going on in my life now? One thing I know is that I adore and cherish my husband. I want him and none else. Nothing but my own stupidity and poor choices can ever change that. But what about other choices in my life? Am I an "ark-steady-er" in other areas? YIKES! Don't want the consequences of that! The Lord knows what is best. But is my stubborn-ness getting in His way? How can I feel and show my trust in Him more? How can I let go of control more? I know that the Lord doesn't want us to wait for Him to make all our decisions, but sometimes it is hard to know if I am on the right track. I try to study things out in my mind, but sometimes I want things to go a certain way so much that I "override" His approval without even realizing it.

Any thoughts? I'd appreciate some.

1 comment:

cherie said...

i seem to struggle with making decisions too. drives me crazy that i over analyze so much even after i think i've received an answer. i remember reading an article from elder holland back when i was in the marriage decision process. (not that i doubted jeff, but it was a time of many many choices). this quote has always remained with me from it "Beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now."
it's great article called Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence.
love you!